Self (A Personal Reflection)

Lately I’ve felt the need to tap more deeply into my feminine nature. I feel as though, for sometime, I’ve been ignoring the need to express my authentic self. I had the intention to follow through a few months ago, then I found out that I am pregnant and morning sickness put me in a resentful and bitter place.

Being overcome with pregnancy sickness, it was hard for me to be grateful for the work my body was doing. As a result, I resented my husband (I noticed that my morning sickness suddenly became worse when he arrived home from work), I was bitter because I was the one who had to lean over and heave into the toilet every day. I was growing impatient with my toddler, who was undeserving of my harsh tone that was beginning to take over me. And to top it off, I knew these negative emotions were not good for the little one in my womb and I felt terrible about feeling so resentful and bitter. I didn’t want to put those emotions into my baby.

The doctor did prescribe me some medication and the pregnancy sickness did begin to lesson but in all honesty, I still was not excited about having a baby. Before I became pregnant, I had planned to go back to work and I was even thinking of updating my wardrobe to fit what I thought was going to be a new phase in my life. I had settled on the fact that I’d have one child and life would move accordingly. Just a few weeks later, I took a pregnancy test and boom! Pregnant. I liked the idea of my toddler having a sibling but I was sure I wanted to have two children. Actually, up until recently I’d been thinking of the new baby as simply a sibling for my son and not a welcome addition to the family.

It took until the first doctor's appointment before I really truly believed there was a baby in my womb. Seven months before, I’d suffered a silent miscarriage. So seeing a positive on the pregnancy test wasn’t enough for me. I was completely numb until I saw a little eight week bubby on sonogram. The doctor said everything was fine and printed pictures for me to share with my family. Even then I was cautious but a little more ready to believe. Weeks went on, signs of pregnancy were clear and I had no reason to doubt. I’d prayed and asked God for a healthy baby but something was still missing.

There was a disconnect; I’d spent so many weeks in denial followed by weeks of resentment and bitterness that I didn’t feel connected to my baby like I did when I was pregnant with my son. Both pregnancies had been a surprise but I was more excited and had an immediate connection with my pregnancy, that I knew I was having a baby boy and I knew exactly who he was. He’s had a name from the very beginning. My missed pregnancy, was planned and while I suspected something was amiss, I was still open to being connected and bonding. This time around, I definitely missed the connection, I don’t know if this baby is a boy or girl and I have not settled on a name. There is a child in my womb I am anxious to meet. I don’t know him or her; for now we are strangers.

Now that I am in a more positive place, I can say that I am ready to get to know myself, my pregnant self. It’s truth when they say that each pregnancy is different. With my son I never lost sight of who I was. Now, after much struggle and change, I am ready to know myself again. Who I am right now is not who I was 3 months ago before I got pregnant. Change was happening but I was too deep in a dark place to realize (accept) the changes that were happening. I’m still Lea but now different, a better different, a different that still has issues and struggles to workout but I’m a place where I open enough to receive the necessary changes for growth and progress.

What does it mean to be feminine?

For me, a feminine woman can define her identity and her true authenticity through-self-awareness, and body-awareness. Self-awareness is being tapped into my thoughts and feelings and being present in life. I’ve developed a nasty habit of being on the mobile phone. I recognize this as a bad habit but I struggle with pulling myself away because I’ve recently entered into a season of knowledge. Lately, I’ve had this strong desire to know and be educated more about my religious and spiritual beliefs. I also have it on my spirit to dance and move my hips and also to spend more time in quietness and prayer. Just the fact that I am acknowledging that I need these things in my life, is great within itself. Body-awareness just means that I want to know and be comfortable in my physical self. Dancing and moving and taking time to recognize that self-care is a necessity and not a luxury.

Is this truly how feminine is defined? Maybe in some parts, I think one gets to define their feminine selves as they experience it throughout life. For me my feminine self has changed who I was when I was girl, as a teen, as a woman in my twenties, isn’t who I am right now at 31. I’ve gone through many changes in the past 3 year. There have been times where I’ve felt disconnected from my feminine nature. At those times of disconnect, I felt truly stifled. Contrastly, when I am fully connected to my feminine self I feel great, I feel positive and I open to learning and life is just positive. My challenge is to always be connected to myself and to always have my femininity on. I don’t have a clear plan or strategy on how to always be in my feminine energy. I think that will come as I journey ahead; things will become more clear.